If there's one thing I can't understand about myself, it's my feelings towards you. I know I've fluctuated between saying I like you and I don't like you for countless of times. I've said that I'll forget about you and not ever think of you again for the same number of times.
But why is it that whenever something, or even nothing happens, I'll think of you again? The key here is not any random event, but the passing of time. They say that time heals all wounds, but why aren't you fully out of my mind? I can look at other guys, oogle at them, get excited but my mind will still go back to you in the end. It's not fair really. Maybe nothing is ever fair in this world. Maybe we were never meant to be. But all these are just but another 'maybe' in my mind.
What can I do? What can I do about the thoughts of you that pop up in my mind? When the memories, that weren't even between us but just between myself keep coming up to me? When I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking of you?
I've wondered before really. Are you the right one for me? But no matter how much I wonder, I don't know and I'll never know.
Forgetting you was a lie. Sorry. And yet, I don't know if that sorry should be for you or myself. It should probably be for me, since whatever happens to me doesn't affect you anyways. I don't even know whether I should be sad or thankful for your obliviousness.
♥our lips must always be sealed
6:35 PM
I know it's been a long time since I posted on here.
In these few months, I've actually thought that I'd gotten over you.
Only to find out that I haven't?
Then to find out that I have to.
Thank god I decided to check, because I realize now that it's impossible.
All those times in the past can only stay as memories now. It's impossible for me to try, there's no hope between us. I should've tried, but I didn't and now it's over.
But what kind of a reaction can I give anyways? I'm in no position to say anything really, I just hope that whoever she is, the two of you will be happy forever.
I won't forget you, or our memories. Or rather, my one sided memories. Like I've been thinking all this while, maybe the change of the environments that we used to live in together was a sign - a sign for me to move on. The possibility between the two of us was never there, I was just dreaming the whole time.
You were once, to me, a dream that I'd never want to wake up from. But right now I know it's time. Time for me to wake up. And I'll have to move on and promise myself that I can live in a world without you. I don't see why I can't honestly, because I've been living without you ever since the day I was born.
From now on, I'll live in my own world and you live in yours. I'll give up for real this time, no hesitations, no falling back in, no going back to your wall. Because to me, this is really all a sign. I once thought that you were his gift to me but it turns out it was a mistake.
Perhaps you were just a turning point in my life, a tool to change me for the better, I don't know? But all in all, I still thank you for being there in one of the best two years of my life. You may not know, but the memories you brought to me have brought me much happiness and I will keep it deep down in my heart.
You'll never, I hope come across this blog because this is just embarrassing. Even if you do, I hope you'll never know who I am. Maybe I shouldn't even worry, because I'm no one in your life. But if. If you do know, and if I was once significant in your life, then I thank you again.
One last thing.
I hope you can quit your habit of smoking if not both smoking and drinking. It's really harmful to your health. I know I'm in no position to say this...but that's all I've hoped for ever since I found out. I wish I could be the one to change you for the better but I'm not and I just hope she will be.
And with this, goodbye and thanks for everything.
♥our lips must always be sealed
8:53 AM
Monday, July 30, 2012